The rollercoaster is going up....

So I'm sitting here listening to this Matt Wertz CD JoDee let me borrow, which is pretty good by the way.  It's the first night in a couple weeks where I haven't had anything to do for school the next day, and honestly, I find myself bored.  I'm actually thinking about working on a side project using skills I have learned in design class.  I'm struggling though this design program at school, but I'm getting better every day and I'm enjoying it.  I really feel like I have found my calling.

On another note, my financial life isn't quite stable right now.  I'm always broke, but I feel a job opportunity coming along soon.  My parents have been more than helpful in that department as well.

As far as my love life goes, well, that's still pretty out of whack, but I've been hanging out with a certain individual who is really into me and I didn't really give her a fair chance before.  I'm still not sure about things yet and I want to take it slow, but I see relationship potential someday.  I still think about Anna all the time, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore.  I don't find myself wishing I had her back, but I am coming closer to realizing how big of a mistake she made and how immature she was in handling everything.  I really am better off.

Well, that's really all I have to say for now, so I guess I'll just wrap it up!

New year, more ups and downs

So 2011 started off with a kick.  I had a great time with some friends and started school again in a major that actually interests me.  Everything is going my way in that department, but I always feel like my life is unbalanced.  It seems like when I get one aspect of my life in check, another goes out of whack.  The one that really bothers me right now is my love life, or lack thereof at this point.  I've been crushed twice now, and I don't know how many more times I can risk that without being completely jaded.  I know I didn't do anything wrong in this last relationship, and yet, I STILL get burned.  I was a good guy.  Maybe that's the problem....

I'm always told how good of a guy I am and I do appreciate that to a point, but I'm not happy when I'm a good guy.  I was so happy last spring when I was just messing around with no regard for others feelings.  That may sound bad, but I really don't care anymore.  I'm tired of putting everyone elses needs ahead of my own.  I'm closer to 30 than 20 now, and it's high time I start doing what I want to do. 

I'm still not over Anna yet, and I don't know why.  Yes things got really serious, but it was only a two month relationship that ended in September.  I feel like I should just take a year off from dating and get my head straight.  I've talked to a couple people who have done it because of similar situations, and they said it was the best decision they ever made.  It's not like I'd find a quality person right now anyway, whenever I go out I just get blasted and my confidence is all but destroyed.  This just seems like the right move right now.

I like to end my posts with something that I've learned, but I really don't feel like I've learned anything other than the fact that Karma really doesn't exist.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for things to happen.

It's been a while since my last post, and a bit has changed since my last post.  I'm not near as down as I was before, but I still have my down moments, especially at night.  Part of it is because of Anna (still having a rough time with her), and part of it is probably because I'm not that good about taking my meds, but I feel that mostly it's because I haven't done as good of a job of changing my circumstances as I should be.

Now I am registered for school again, and I am SO excited for that to start.  I mean come on, I get to draw for two hours a day and play around on the computer for another hour of the day, leaving only one hour for actual lecture.  I'm enrolled in one of the top Graphic Design programs in the state, and I really am excited to let my artistic side show.  My professional life will be a long time in the making, but I really do feel like I'm on the road to success, which just leaves my love life....

I don't feel near as bad as I did even a few weeks ago, but the nights are still hard.  It's quiet, which leaves my mind free to wander...what is she doing now, is she actually going to move to LA, who has she been with since me, is she seeing anyone, and the big one...will we ever be together again, or will I ever meet someone who I will have the same connection with?  I'm a pretty emotionally strong individual, but my mind really has been getting the best of me.  I guess those things will get better with time.  It will probably be a lot better once I get busy with school, and hopefully a job.  I really feel like my issues with my love life have really taken a toll on my mood and motivation level.

On top of all of this, I have been getting this feeling lately that I am meant to do something huge.  I'm not talking about curing cancer, but something along those lines.  It's not just a feeling or a little voice in my head, it feels like 10,000 voices are yelling at me, telling me that I'm meant to do something huge.  I started to think about my current skills and talents, and honestly, I have no idea how I can do something of that caliber in my current situation, so maybe it's meant to be something over time.  I just really wish I knew what it was exactly that I'm meant to do, but I guess finding out is part of life.

All of these things led me to a certain conclusion:  the world is a mean, unfair, and cruel place.  There are people out there with everything who deserve nothing, and there are people out there with nothing who deserve everything.  This world we live in will beat you down time after time, and unless you start fighting back, you will stay down forever and it won't care.  I've realized that things aren't just going to happen, I have to get out there and make them happen.  From now on, if I know deep down that I deserve something, I will stand up and take it, and I'll crush anything and anyone that stands in my way.  I'm ready to be a winner.

I'm reminded of a quote from George E. Allen, "Every time you win, you are reborn.  When you lose, you die a little".  God Damnit, I'm sick and tired of dying, and I'm ready to be reborn.

My First Post...may it inspire you....

To the probably millions of people who will be reading this....let me give you a background on myself.  My name is RJ, and I'm not going to lie.  I've had a pretty good life thus far.  Sure I've had my fair share of let-downs and frustrations, a lot of which have struck me in the past couple of months.  My twenties have been by far, the most confusing 6 years of my life, but yet the most enlightening.

Now up until recently, I have always been a pretty confident individual.  Then I went through some tough times, causing my confidence to drop, and my guard to skyrocket.  Now I've always been a motivational book fan, and I'm halfway through a book that has really changed my perspective on things.  I've learned that you can change your physiology to achieve any kind of mindset you want.  This may sound stupid, but every morning when I get out of the shower and get ready, I wink at myself in the mirror.  Yes ladies and gents, you heard right.  Laugh all you want, but try it.  If you're not into that, the next time you wake up in a foul mood or have a heavy heart or a lot on your mind, just make a really goofy face in the mirror and try to stay in a bad mood after that.  It's all about maintaining discipline over your mind and using your own body's physiology to maintain the correct mood.

Speaking from experience, these changes don't occur overnight, and it takes repetition to create the lasting change and midset you want/need to achieve.  Now I golf, and the sport can be extremely frustrating.  I've have had days where I have shot wonderfully and everything went how I wanted.  I've also have had days where I didn't feel like I changed anything, but constantly shanked shots and ended up in the rough way more than in the fairway.  What I figured out is that by changing the angle I hit the ball by just a millimeter, it changes the arch and trail of the ball dramatically.  That can be related to making changes in my life as well.  Sometimes the tiniest changes yield the biggest results.  All it takes is that little build up of momentum to roll your life in the right direction.

So I originally intended for this initial post to be funny and light, but I guess I'll settle for inspirational instead.  I'm going to end with a quote, since I can't really sum things up any better than this:

"When it seems impossible, when it seems like nothing is going to work, you're usually just a few millimeters away from making it happen." - Tony Robbins