Thursday, December 16, 2010

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for things to happen.

It's been a while since my last post, and a bit has changed since my last post.  I'm not near as down as I was before, but I still have my down moments, especially at night.  Part of it is because of Anna (still having a rough time with her), and part of it is probably because I'm not that good about taking my meds, but I feel that mostly it's because I haven't done as good of a job of changing my circumstances as I should be.

Now I am registered for school again, and I am SO excited for that to start.  I mean come on, I get to draw for two hours a day and play around on the computer for another hour of the day, leaving only one hour for actual lecture.  I'm enrolled in one of the top Graphic Design programs in the state, and I really am excited to let my artistic side show.  My professional life will be a long time in the making, but I really do feel like I'm on the road to success, which just leaves my love life....

I don't feel near as bad as I did even a few weeks ago, but the nights are still hard.  It's quiet, which leaves my mind free to wander...what is she doing now, is she actually going to move to LA, who has she been with since me, is she seeing anyone, and the big one...will we ever be together again, or will I ever meet someone who I will have the same connection with?  I'm a pretty emotionally strong individual, but my mind really has been getting the best of me.  I guess those things will get better with time.  It will probably be a lot better once I get busy with school, and hopefully a job.  I really feel like my issues with my love life have really taken a toll on my mood and motivation level.

On top of all of this, I have been getting this feeling lately that I am meant to do something huge.  I'm not talking about curing cancer, but something along those lines.  It's not just a feeling or a little voice in my head, it feels like 10,000 voices are yelling at me, telling me that I'm meant to do something huge.  I started to think about my current skills and talents, and honestly, I have no idea how I can do something of that caliber in my current situation, so maybe it's meant to be something over time.  I just really wish I knew what it was exactly that I'm meant to do, but I guess finding out is part of life.

All of these things led me to a certain conclusion:  the world is a mean, unfair, and cruel place.  There are people out there with everything who deserve nothing, and there are people out there with nothing who deserve everything.  This world we live in will beat you down time after time, and unless you start fighting back, you will stay down forever and it won't care.  I've realized that things aren't just going to happen, I have to get out there and make them happen.  From now on, if I know deep down that I deserve something, I will stand up and take it, and I'll crush anything and anyone that stands in my way.  I'm ready to be a winner.

I'm reminded of a quote from George E. Allen, "Every time you win, you are reborn.  When you lose, you die a little".  God Damnit, I'm sick and tired of dying, and I'm ready to be reborn.

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